All this week, I’ve been bombarded with ads for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. And every time I want to say, “Seriously?” How much do we need to rip off the quintessential inventor of this genre, Sherri Browning Erwin, whose groundbreaking works, Grave Expectations and Jane Slayre were the original contributions to the idea of historical re-enactment, mash-up style. Since this is my blog post, I can make whatever claims I choose, and so I will.
But back to Lincoln, yes, back to Lincoln, I wonder if the Lincoln writers are onto something. There was discussion about re-imagining Jane Austen or Charlotte Bronte as an erotica writer. Or slash fiction involving Aristotle, Plato, and Socrates (the most forbidden of love, M/M teacher/student, AND polygamy). All the ideas, all the historical figures, juxtaposed against sex, or vampires, or sex with vampires! Honestly, it boggles the mind with the creative offshoots.
So last night, I was thinking…Hollywood has already done The Last Temptation of Christ, and then Dan Brown did Da Vinci code, which I won’t spoil, but needless to say, Jesus and sex were involved, and not in the rather traditional .. “Yes, Yes, Oh my God, YES!” sort of way. So, why not go the other way. Why not Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter? It’s the ultimate battle of good vs. evil. Who really needs the devil when Dracula or Edward Cullen or… I don’t know.. zombies are involved? Think of the possibilities. It’s the undead vs. the never dead. Who will triumph? Can our hero save the world from this scourge of neck-biting, troll-baiting, virgin-loving, blood-letting, rich tycoonish billionaires with impossible good looks? I like to think that Jesus would win, but I can see endless sequels to this trope, because you know, vampires, just never stay dead. I don’t know what God was thinking when he invented vampires? Perhaps he wanted to give his son a new career opportunity. Don’t know.
But eventually I went to sleep, still dreaming of a bearded-robed Christ raising a stake on Black Friday and re-imagining the history of the world…
Whoa. It’s like listening to Pink Floyd for four days straight…
Or reading Forty Shades of Gray (which was the prequel to Fifty Shades of Gray), or Seventy Shades of Grape, the tantalizing tale of a mesmerizing Martian (disguising his natural purplish color and dual appendages in order to blend in as an ordinary software billionaire with a chiseled visage and a love of tight jeans…). Enter our heroine (both literally, metaphorically, and carnally), who senses something “amiss” with Marty and is both *shocked* and pleasured when he finally reveals his true colors (both literally, metaphorically, and genitally)…. Ah yes, the possibilities are endless. And then we learn that Marty has *brothers* who are not only software billionaires, but Wall Street tycoons, Arab sheiks, and dashing pirates, and exotic Princes, and Greek Tycoons (an endangered species, along with Spanish Tycoons, Italian Tycoons, and pretty much every other Euro Tycoon, except for maybe German Tycoons, but is the world really ready for a German Tycoon?).
Oh. It’s like listening to Pink Floyd for fifty days of gray straight, or maybe bent?
So, what has the world of literature overlooked? What treasure trove of blatant rip-offs remain to be mined and milked? Are you having a good Thursday? Is it hot enough for you? Does the impending heat mean that the world has become infested with heat-loving vampires with a disdain of air conditioning and thirst for human perspiration? I think I’m off to spin me some Pink Floyd while running the A/C, while wearing garlic, as well as the crucifix. Jesus Christ, patron saint of vampire slayers all.