So, I have been searching for the past two days for a topic that is appropriately wine-worthy, but nothing felt ARGH enough. I could whine about New York State politics, but honestly, Saturday Night Live does it so much better than I ever could. I could whine about the absence of real Tex-Mex in New York, but frankly, I whine about that one a lot, and it you all have probably heard it a gazillion times. I could whine about the earthquake in Chili and how we lost 1.26 millions of a second because the force of the quake bulged out the planet (much in the manner of my skinny jeans after a large dinner) and the earth had to spin faster to keep up. But in the end, for today, I’m choosing to whine about sex.
As a writer for Blaze, it would shock most of you to know that I don’t like to read about real people’s sexual foibles in the paper. Mainly because – THEY’RE NOT THE GOOD ONES! First we have Eric Massa, a relatively new New York House Democrat who is *alleged* (don’t you love that word?) to have groped and fondled at least two of his male aids. Massa, in his own defense, claimed that he did not *grope* them, he only “tickled him until he couldn’t breath.” Tickled? Really?? Really? That’s the story that you want to go with on this? Why can’t we read about long, meaningful glances, or a sly touch to the thigh, almost innocent, except for the way the young staffer caught his breath. Do I want to read about Tickle-Me-Eric? Ew! No.
And then we have French dynamic duo of debauchery (actually, I don’t think they’re debauched, but I couldn’t come up with another salacious sort of ‘d’ word, so for today — debauched it is!). French First Lady, Carla Bruni is apparently *in lurrrve* with a French singer, and the heart-broken French Prez has found comfort in the arms of right-wing cabinet member and also karate champion, Chantal Jouanno. A karate champion named Chantal? My editor would SO make me change her name, because no karate champion could ever be named Chantal. And I’m thinking to myself, but the French don’t care about these things! I thought to be French meant to be open, to embrace scandals of the heart, to be *European* in all matters of the sexual arts??? Quel horreurs!
And lastly, there’s the crème de la crème — the John Edwards sex tape. I’ll just let that one sink in and horrify your mind. The John Edwards sex tape.
You know, if you’re a Presidential candidate, if your wife is ill, it’s not really smart to have relations with someone else. Wait until after the election. And oh, uh, don’t have a baby with said woman, because they have these things called pa-ter-ni-ty tests that can sci-en-ti-fi-ca-ly prrroooove that you’re the father. And because apparently that’s not enough to stop the hair product that has seeped into your brain: Don’t VIDEOTAPE yourself doing it.
For sextapes, there are couples in the world that I think, *meh*. There are couples that I think *oohh* and then there are couples that make me throw up a little in my mouth. John Edwards and frankly, anybody brings up the taste of last night’s dinner, and not in a fond way.
So, today’s question is on sextapes. If you could pick a “ooh” and you could pick a “regurgitatious” one, who would star? Extra points for creativity.
Daniel Craig, and uh, frankly anybody would be my “ooh”. I’m thinking Howard Stern and uh, frankly anybody, would be my: Gawd, NO!!
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I never understood anyone who wanted to tape themselves having sex, celebrity or no. I mean, you’re there. You do it. And then what, over burgers and a shake you watch the play-by-play? I don’t understand it.
I didn’t know Carla Bruni was in luuuuurve with someone else because I thought she was so in luuuuuuurve with Sarkowzi or whatever his name is. Love! So fickle!
LOL, play-by-play. Doesn’t ESPN-X carry that? Yeah, with the play-by-play guy and the color commentary gal. Of course, I’m always yelling at the ref, “Just let them play!” :p
Not thinking about sex tape material, but I do like heroines with “real woman” appeal. Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie could never fit the bill. I like Renee Zellweger only at her Bridget Jones weight (I think she looks better that way, is that weird?). Kate Winslet (who is still too gorgeous to be girl next door). Jennifer Aniston (if I don’t think too hard about her personal life).
More leading men I like to watch include Hugh Grant, Brendan Fraser (yes, even beefy as he is these days), and little known fact: Charlotte Bronte has a huge crush on Bradley Cooper (which we often discuss at my other blog, Sherri and Charlotte).
I’m with you on this one, Sherri. I never bought into the “insert yourself into the story as heroine” thing into recently, and I realize that I do this to some extent. I could never relate to a Megan Fox or AJ, but a Renee Z, or Kate Winslet, and especially Jen Aniston, for some reason, I want to be friends with them.
Not a big fan of Hugh, although certain roles I do really love of his (Love, Actually), and I have always liked Brendan Fraser. He has such an everyman quality about him… like a tougher Tom Hanks, maybe.
Sherri! I didn’t know you had such a blog–what’s the URL so I can check it out?
http://sherriandcharlotte.blogspot.com/
Okay, okay, wait. There’s a John Edwards sex tape? This is the first I’ve heard of it. I’ve got to go Google it now. What is with people and their sex tapes? I’ve never, never, never wanted to make a sex tape. I’ll film fake sex at the drop of a carefully edited hat, but I would never, ever film myself in flagrante delicto for reals. Just too many possibilities exist today for it ending up somewhere one never intended.
KC — you sound very sensible. I’m with you on this one. Why in the world do people need to do this, because YOU KNOW it’s going to get put out there, even if you’re nobody. There was a story about a young girl recently who sent pics or a video of herself to her BF and then it ended up on the net, and the mom is working very hard to get the pics down, but you know it’s never going to happen. I feel very sorry for that kid, but man, don’t do this….
Keep in mind that Edwards’s mistress was his professional videographer. The tape is not in public distribution. His aide who wrote a tell-all book was holding on to a copy that he was ordered to return to Rielle Hunter(the mistress). Now who knows. The aide seems opportunistic enough to have made a copy to leak for public distribution– but who wants to see it? EW!
I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to any of them–not Paris Hilton, not Pam Anderson, not Kim Kardashian–none of them. Now Donald Trump and Joan Rivers…I’m thinking that might be good for some hilarity…but no, I’ll still pass.
Sex tapes to me are all urrgh. Leave it to the professionals (and even then, I’m not into watching). Really, does anyone look pretty in the act? Maybe if we’re talking total fantasy immersion, in which we all look fantastic at any angle, well, even then, I prefer the dressed up version and it usually revolves around sensual tension and not the actual act. But okay, I can read and write love scenes so… Colin Firth, Eric Bana, Gavin Rossdale, yes (but not together, one at a time
). Oh they need partners? I wouldn’t be paying attention to anyone else in the room, so why bother? Donald Trump a screaming hell no. Donald and Joan Rivers… ewwww. Shudder.
I actually like the hazy sort of love scenes with lots of sheets and pillows and sunlight streaming in and it’s very quiet and still, which I suppose is not the common vernacular for sex tape. And then there’s the Big Easy sort of wild stuff that I can watch without covering my eyes.
I wasn’t thinking about partners with mine, although there are some actresses that I think do sex scenes well, I especially like the actresses that show vulnerability well, and aren’t crazy sexual (Angelina, I’m looking at you!).
Re: Donald and Joan Rivers — oh, God, the plastic, the hair, the plastic hair together!!! EWWW!
omg I am crying here picturing Trump and Joan Rivers together. One thing I’m sure of…not a strand of hair would move, no matter what they were doing. ick.
This is a Saturday Night Live skit waiting to happen.
Ending with: You’re Fired!
Nothing would move!
I’m dying laughing here! LOLOL!
“You’re fired!” Donald said, brushing his eyebrows back off his face. “Not so fast.” Joan leaned seductively across his desk. Eventually. It took her a minute to maneuver with the botox freshly injected into her neck just that morning. chicka wow chicka wow wow.
So Sherri you’re saying you want to watch Colin, Eric and Gavin in solo sex tapes, okay sure I guess I’d watch that. Although I think it more likely we’d see David Duchovney in a solo, ha ha ha.
Hahaha, probably far more likely. My luck it would be David Caruso. There’s another one of the ick gawd no! category.